For some reason I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m not sure what happened. It had been a few days of me being grumpy. I was over it. I’m sure my kids and Eddy were over it. But, I just couldn’t get out of the funk.
Then I realized I wasn’t just grumpy. I was depressed. I’m not sure why it seems to sneak up on me and surprise me. I’ve been through it enough times that I should just know.
No matter what I did I was still grumpy. I tried to think happy, positive thoughts. I tried to ignore and push away the depression. It was no use. Not only was I depressed and grumpy, but I was very short with my kids.
It seemed like they were all out to get me. They were fighting, crying, whinnying, and I JUST COULDN’T DO IT any longer. This grand plan popped into my head.
A few days before I had de-cluttered, deep cleaned, and reorganized my master bathroom. And it felt GOOD. Like I felt I was on top of the world, good. I was pumped. I was happy.
So I thought if I did the same thing to my kid’s bathroom I would be able to recreate that feeling. This would surely pull me out of my depressed state.
My kiddos were finally all in quiet time or napping. This is it, it’s go time. A feeling of excitement lasted for about 90 seconds. It was a good 90 seconds.
All during quiet time there were kids fighting and coming out of their rooms. I kept getting mad of them for fighting and coming out. I yelled at them for being loud. Of course a quiet yell so I didn’t wake up my baby.
Did they know the anger that would explode if they woke up the baby? Did they know I was trying my hardest to accomplish something? This something would have been a huge mood booster. But alas, no, no they didn’t know. They are at the ages where it’s more difficult for them to do that. You know, think of others. Haha!
My kids are incredibly sweet, still kids though.
As I was frantically trying to clean their bathroom and keep a lid on their less than desirable behavior I was going in the opposite direction. I was getting more mad and angry. I was becoming more depressed. I said things I wish never left my lips. There was a lot of negative self talk.
But, I was still determined that if I finished their bathroom then it would magically pull me out of the deep dark hole I was in.
This was one of those times that I should have called for help. I should have reached out to one of the many people in my life that would have come over to give me a break. It’s still so hard to ask for help sometimes.
Sure, I can ask my mom or mother in law to watch my kids so I can go out with Eddy or to a girl’s night. I can ask a friend to watch my kids when I have an appointment. But, it is still so darn hard to admit I’m losing my cool and need help in that moment.
When Eddy is home that I lean on him ALL THE TIME. It’s those days when he’s working and is gone for 13 hours that I want to pull my hair out. Then run away. 🙂
Let me tell you a few things I learned from this experience.
First of all I never got out of the deep and dark hole.
Second, I didn’t finish the bathroom all the way. I didn’t start with a good plan. I didn’t have all the supplies I needed to put everything back into the bathroom. Was the bathroom much, MUCH cleaner then when I started? Yes, of course! I still have a few things that need a deep clean (tub/shower, plunger, and garbage can).
Was I able to throw away a bunch of garbage? Yes, and it did feel great. Was I able to put everything back the way I wanted? Nope. I did put it away a bit more organized. Since that day I have bought a couple of plastic tubs. So now under the sink we have extra TP, soap, and kid bathroom supplies like toothpaste, toothbrushes, flossers, and soap. We also have the training potty and more bathroom toys.
Third, when something doesn’t happen like you think it will it tends to have an adverse effect on my mood. This is one I get to keep relearning…
And fourth, just because I accomplish something doesn’t automatically make it a given that my mood and depression will be better.
Now, when I think about the kid’s bathroom I feel calmer. I love that I am able to cross so much off of that list. There are just a few more tidbits that need to be done to make that space totally and utterly completed.
So the next time I am having a cruddy day and I think to myself, “Steph, do this project and your mood will automatically be healed.” I need to step away from my brain and just take a rest. I am willing to bet if I just canceled quiet time for my three older kids and watched a show that my mood would have been better than trying to do their bathroom.
And that right there is the beauty in this whole experience. I was taught, again, to let go of the control and live in the moment. The moment being my kids needing me to be present with them, not clean out their bathroom.
I hope you can take away from my experience that depression cannot be magically lifted when you are in situations where you are staying angry or sad. In order to be successful you need to be able to stay calm and happy.
Take a deep breath and think of something that makes you happy. Or picture your happy place. Good luck my friends!