Hey Friends! I know I am just a few days into #blogtober. Buttttt, I just felt I needed to write about my no good very depressed weekend. After all I consider myself a mental health blogger. And my hope is that I can help or inspire anyone who needs it. My goal with this post is to walk you through a few days of what it’s like to be me when I’m in a slump. Welcome to my no good very depressed weekend!

There is a pattern I am starting to see with my depression. My hubby works every other weekend. Well, let me back up. My hubby, Eddy, has an awesome and equally not awesome work schedule. One week he works Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday; the not so good week. The following week he works Wednesday and Thursday; the good week. During the week (Mon. – Fri.) he works 12 hour shifts. That means he is gone for 13 hours a day. He works a 10 hour shift on Saturday and a 6 hour shift on Sunday.

I know some people have better or worse work schedules. I know I am lucky to have him home for full days at a time. I also know that being home with the kids alone, doing lunch and dinner alone, and putting the kids to bed alone is very draining for me. I am a social person and usually when Eddy get’s home I talk his ear off. After being with kids all day I NEED to talk to an adult.

So, the pattern I have noticed… After a long week of Eddy being gone and only having a few times when we get to be together as a family I’ve about had it. Then it’s the weekend and Eddy is gone every single day. I seem to be more depressed those weekends when he is working. It makes perfect sense. My other half is gone and I get the kids all to myself. After a long week, it makes for a long weekend.

Friday

There was no school on Friday. We had plans to go to Silver Lake with friends. It was beautiful up there! The leaves, the company, the weather was all wonderful. We packed a lunch and everyone had a great time. There was even minimal whining about walking around the lake. Miss S fell asleep on the way home and I was praying she would still take a nap at home. To my surprise she certainly did, it was heavenly!

After I had gotten all the kids down for naps or quiet time I had great plans to get some things done. It is hard to do anything if you can’t keep your eyes opened. I was OUT! Miss L would come ask me something. I would somewhat wake up and respond and tell her to go back to quiet time. This happened many times and I was starting to get annoyed.

When I was finally able to wake up, still in a haze, I had a headache. We had plans to go to a party from our old neighborhood. I knew the kids would get to bed late, I still hadn’t showered, I had no idea what to make for dinner and didn’t want to make anything. The downward spiral was beginning. I weighed my options and decided it would be better to go to the party. After all I was looking forward to it.

After a dinner of oatmeal and a quick shower we were on our way. One thing about my depression, I’ll call it a blessing, is being able to sometimes snap out of it when I’m with other people. Or you can call it faking it. Sometimes that is all I need to be done and other times its just the fog lifting for a little while. The kids and I had fun at the party and I am glad we went. The kids did get to bed late, oh well.

Saturday

I feel like Saturday was a real turning point to this bad weekend. We didn’t have any plans during the day. We haven’t been very good at cleaning the house lately, it was a mess. I figured we would turn on some music and get our cleaning on. We would have fun, work together, and just get it done. That is the exact opposite of what happened.

You would have thought I was asking my kids to do something horrible when I told them it was time to do cleaning sticks. Which, by the way, they choose to do all in one day because they didn’t want to do any on Friday. I figured they would react like this, but I was hopeful. We don’t have them do too much and when they do their jobs it is so hard to get them to do it willingly. Just like most kids, at least I hope that it’s not just my kids… haha.

This bothered me. So I decided I would treat them the way they were treating me. So very grown up of me, I know… I just went about doing my thing and let them do what they wanted. Miss S spent a lot of time upstairs playing independently. (It was actually pretty great, expect for the mess she made.) Miss L watched T.V., not a surprise, and Mr. E went outside to play football.

Once Miss N was napping I sat down to meal plan for October, make a grocery list, and get a shopping trip planned to Rancho Market for a big produce haul. I was surprised that I was able to sit down and get it finished. I didn’t want to do anything. I would have rather sat there looking out the window or taken a nap.

Miss L kept asking for a snack, I kept saying no and you can get one. For lunch I told them it was time to eat but didn’t get them anything to eat. They had three different kinds of tortilla chips from mostly eaten bags and watermelon. I didn’t care. That was the theme of the day, I just didn’t care. It is hard to care about things when you are depressed. It’s hard to want to do anything when you are depressed.

The day continued on this way. I did my thing and my kids did their thing. I felt nothing. I felt loveless. I felt like a horrible mom and person. And I still didn’t care. Then, of course, I felt bad about not caring. It is this lame cycle and it can be hard to get out. We ended up not going to the store or doing much of anything.

Eddy got home from work at 7:30. A few minutes later I was out of there! I had plans with some amazing friends to go to a thrift store and to get a treat. I keep thinking I didn’t really want to go. I should just cancel. Shopping usually makes me depressed because things don’t fit, especially right now, and spending money can be stressful. But there was something inside me that couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t cancel my girl’s night.

I’m so thankful because I needed to get out of the house, away from my kiddos, and just be me. Not a mom needing to change a diaper or get a snack. Not a wife needed to talk to Eddy about this or that. Not a depressed Steph. I needed to be me.

Getting out was so great! I actually found 2 pairs of pants and a shirt for under $12! Woohoo! The ice cream was to die for, the company was perfect. It was just what I needed to help get me out of my funk. I came home much better. Not all the way whole but getting there.

 Sunday

Sundays can be a hard day in general. When Eddy is gone working it makes it even worse. We had family dinner planned for earlier. I was going to have to meet Eddy there. The kids unearned going. But I couldn’t stay home. I made it clear to my kiddos the only reason we are going was because I wanted to see family. I don’t think they cared, oh well.

We were not going to be able to stay long because we had a special occasion we needed to get to. We left late, it was hard to get the kids out the door. I told Eddy I got to drive his car so I could be alone. We were cutting it close. I HATE being late. I wish that was enough to make me on time more… I was so worried about being late and annoyed about leaving late that I started to have a panic attack in the car.

I’ve had enough that I’ve learned how to breath through them. Most of the time I can get them to stop. Thanks goodness that it wasn’t a bad one and I didn’t cry too much. Once again, when we were with other people I was able to fake it and seem like everything was just peachy. And maybe it was just peachy.

In the end we made it, mostly on time. I got some great laughs at inappropriate times (this may have made things more funny then they really were). I was able to calm down a bit. I also got a huge intake of treats. That usually helps.

Can anyone relate to this? What are some things that you have done to help you get out of a depressed state? What is it like for you when you are depressed? Let’s share and see if we can help each other out.

When I’m at my lowest low I have found it can take a whole lot of time to start to feel better. I think my one piece of advice to end on is to believe in your self! You are amazing! Your mental health illness does not define you. It is just a part of you. You are worth the fight even when you have a no good very depressed weekend or week or month…

Xoxo

Stephanie