Thanksgiving

My Least Favorite Thanksgiving of All Times

Sometimes the holidays can be the pits, just plain awful. A few years ago I had an awful Thanksgiving. Read to see how it was awful.

I know what you are thinking! this girl is crazy! Thanksgiving is an amazing holiday where one gets to gather with loved ones, eat, and be thankful for things. It’s all true.

This might be a trigger for depression or suicide. Please continue with that in mind. At the bottom I have links to get help if you fell like you need it. Also, please reach out to me if you need to talk or need someone to listen.

I do love Thanksgiving.

But a few years ago when I wasn’t in a very good place this particular Thanksgiving was awful! AWFUL with a capital everything.

If you have been around long enough then you know that I have depression and anxiety. After my third baby was born, in 2015, I went downhill fast. Being able to recognized that something was not right was a huge blessing.

I talked to Eddy and told him that I needed help. Then I called my OBGYN to get some recommendations of therapists. You guys, it’s not easy to do those three things! I go more into detail about that here.

During this awful Thanksgiving I just been going to my therapist for a few months. I was going weekly and working on a ton of things. I was starting to get better but my triggers were harder to stop at this point.

This year we were spending Thanksgiving with my family and I had volunteered to make the rolls. I was excited. There is an amazing roll recipe that I had gotten from my sister in law.

Thanksgiving

These rolls worked out every time. They were pretty easy. And boy were they good! I had planned to make 4-5 dozen. We can’t be getting low of rolls on Thanksgiving.

I had woken up in a somewhat bad mood. Unfortunately that’s not uncommon for me… πŸ™ Then things just spiraled down hill from there. I messed up the rolls, in a bad way. They were not raising. There was a ton of dough and the rolls were not rising.

This made me so angry because I had messed up with such a large amount of ingredients. I didn’t want to waste the food. I hate wasting food (anxiety kicking in…).

There were tears. I was getting mad. I was depressed. Eddy tried his hardest to calm me down. Trying to tell me that the rolls will be fine. When I assured him they were not fine he suggested we buy some on our way to Thanksgiving dinner.

BUY rolls for Thanksgiving?!?! Are you kidding me? You can’t buy rolls for Thanksgiving. Who does that? I was not able to think rationally. Because let’s get real here, it really doesn’t matter if one buys rolls for Thanksgiving dinner.

The problem was in my head I had this magical plan. I was going to make the best darn rolls for Thanksgiving I could possibly ever make. Everyone was going to love them. They would praise my roll making ability. All would be fine in the world.

So when my perfectly planned out plan did not happen, like not even one little bit, I was crushed. I have this habit of picturing what is going to happen and when that doesn’t happen… I’m hurt and can get depressed. Don’t worry, I’m working on it. πŸ™‚

By the time we had left for Thanksgiving dinner, which was actually Thanksgiving lunch, I had thought of 5 ways I could end it all. In a matter of hours 5 ways of committing suicide had popped into my head.

5 Ways!

Before I go on, I need to talk about the suicide thoughts that I have had. I have never actively thought out ways of killing myself. They are thoughts that pop into my mind.

I like to think of it as Satan trying to weasel his way into my mind and life. I have also never acted upon these stupid thoughts. And I’m proud to say that it has been a LONG time since I’ve had one of those scary thoughts come popping into my mind.

But, that awful Thanksgiving morning it happened 5 times! I can honestly say I can only remember 1 of those thoughts. Which I like. I hate when those thoughts come into my mind.

It scares me. What if I’m not strong enough to stop the thoughts. What if I think a little more about it and… I just can’t think of things like that. I can’t let my mind go there. It can be a scary place.

I hope you are able to stop those scary thoughts when they are present in your mind. I hope with all my might that you are strong enough, know your worth, know that there are people who love you and want to help you.

Eddy came into our room when I was having a breakdown. It’s hard for him to understand what it’s like in my mind. He is such an easy going, roll it off your back kind of person. He can’t get the let down I let myself have.

As we were talking and I finally blurted out, “5! 5 ways! That’s how many ways I have thought of killing myself today.” He got it then. He wrapped me in his arms and held me.

He finally understood that I was not okay. It wasn’t even really about the rolls. They were a trigger to something much deeper and darker.

As I sit here typing and trying to remember as many details about that day I am ashamed. I am ashamed of me. But, more importantly I am proud of my hard work.

I am proud that I didn’t give up then. And I’m not giving up now. I may spiral into a deep dark hole again. It will not be pretty. But I will climb and claw my way out of that dang hole because I know that I AM ENOUGH!!!!

I am enough!

  • for my children
  • for Eddy
  • my family and friends
  • ME! I am enough for me!

And THAT is what we all need to remember. We are enough! We may be a mess or feel like a blob. And that is okay. We are enough.

You may feel like your whole world sucks. But, you are enough.

It may seem like you will never get out of your depression. But, you are enough.

You may want to give up. Don’t! Because, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

I want you to look in the mirror right now. Now, say this out loud 10 times, or until you start to believe it. “I am enough!” Yell it if you need to.

You are enough as you are right here, right now. I know it, you need to believe it.

I know that there are going to be those awful Thanksgivings. But please remember that it will pass. It will be years in your past and you can look on that moment and say, “That sure sucked. I hated that. But, I’m here, doing better. And that is what counts.”

Please know that there are many resources you can reach out to get help. If that feels a little too scary then please find someone you trust to get to help. Here are some places that will help you:

With the holidays coming it can be a hard time for those with mental illness. There can be a rise in stress. I will be working on a piece to help get you through the holidays. Look for that in the coming weeks.

In the meantime remember if it stresses you out too much, say no! I have 10 tips to help with your depression triggers. And I hope you have a very lovely Thanksgiving with no roll tabackles. πŸ˜‰

Xxx, Steph

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20 Comments

  1. This was hard to read because I feel your pain emanating through the screen. In glad you recognized it as an attack from Satan and have a support system to help you. Continue to fend off his attacks by realizing your real value.

  2. Oh Steph. I’m so sorry! Thanks for being brave enough to post this. It is such an important message. My little community experienced a suicide two weeks ago today. It crushed us. It is devastating. I wish this precious young man could have felt the love so many showed for him at his funeral.
    One of my best friends has battled serious depression for decades. I was talking to her after a suicide attempt and she said something I will never forget. β€œI feel like Satan is trying to kill me”
    Wow. She was able to pinpoint that. The father of all lies is relentless at trying to make us feel worthless and end it all. That realization was a game changer for her. She won’t let him win. She won’t let him in her head. We are great at talking about the fact that God is real. Christ lives. And that is the greatest source of hope in this world. I will never discount the importance of that. But it is equally as beneficial for us to acknowledge the reality of Satan and his followers. We need to be on guard, recognize his attacks, and push him away with all the force we can muster. I think recognizing the thoughts he provides and rejecting them is a defense that can be learned and mastered. You inspire me and so many others. I love you. πŸ’•

    1. Mindi! I’m so sorry to hear that! Such a sad experience and event for everyone involved. I believe that young man knew the love that surrounded him at the funeral and still is there for him. My heart goes out to you!!
      Thanks! It sure can be scary but I find healing when I’m more open with the struggles I’ve been through. I am blessed to know that it has helped others as well, and that warms my heart and pushes me to keep going in sharing.
      What your friend said is so true! There have been thoughts that pop into my mind and I think, “No way is that me thinking those things. It’s Satan being a jerk and trying to drag me down to hell with him.” Thanks so much for sharing this, it has given me much to think about and maybe include it in a post someday. I love you too!!

  3. I AM SO, SO SORRY. AND SO GLAD THAT EDDY FINALLY “GOT IT.” BEEN THERE DONE THAT (THOUGH NOT ON THANKSGIVING PER SE) – SO NOT FUN. HUGS AND MORE HUGS. I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN IN THERAPY SINCE PREGNANT WITH MY ALMOST 8YO (AT WHICH TIME I WAS DIAGNOSED W/PERINATAL DEPRESSION) – I STARTED TO SPIRAL COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL IN MY THERAPIST’S OFFICE JUST THE OTHER DAY, AND WAS TOTALLY LOSING IT BY THE TIME OUR SESSION WAS UP, *BUT* – AND THIS SHOWS HOW FAR I’VE COME – I WAS ABLE TO SPELL OUT AN ACTION PLAN BEFORE I LEFT HER OFFICE, AND THEN I JUST SAT IN HER PARKING LOT FOR A GOOD 10 MIN, CALMING MYSELF DOWN WITH DEEP BREATHING, BEFORE I WENT ANYWHERE AND STARTED IN ON THE REST OF THE PLAN.. YOU ARE SO RIGHT, AT THE TIMES WHEN IT’S HARDEST, IS WHEN WE MOST NEED TO REMIND OURSELVES THAT WE’RE ONLY HUMAN AND IT’S OK!

    1. Thank you Flossie! And I’m sorry that you have had similar experiences. Isn’t it amazing to know that we can, most of the time, get ourselves out of those messes with a plan, help, and some quiet time to ourselves? I’m happy that you made a plan with your therapist and sat and breathed until you were ready to move on. Thanks for your kind words!!!

  4. I feel you on this on so many levels. I also had my daughter in 2015 and experienced severe PPD. It was difficult and a tough journey for me. A lot of times we battle things alone, but its refreshing when we have support. Now that winter is here, it comes and goes, but I know all I can do is be the best for my family and I know I am far from perfect. I hope you have better thanksgivings and thank you for sharing.

    1. Thanks for your kind words Khadijah! I’m sorry you’ve had similar experiences. Depression can suck, but it sure has made me a stronger person. I wish you the best this winter season and fun with your daughter! πŸ™‚

  5. I’m so sorry you had such a rough Thanksgiving. You are very brave to share such a really hard time you had to overcome. Yes we are enough!

  6. Thanks for sharing, and well done for reaching out and getting help. Our Daughter was diagnosed with Bi-polar two years ago and struggles daily with self harm and anxiety. We do all we can to keep her safe, thank you again.

    1. I’m so sorry for your daily efforts to help keep your daughter safe. She sure is blessed to have loving parents helping her daily. Keep fighting! And thanks for your kind words! πŸ™‚

  7. I get this so much. I deal with postpartum anxiety and OCD. When things don’t go as planned or I feel like I’m being ambushed (when I’m not), I get upset and everything goes downhill. It’s so hard for my husband to understand because he’s like your husband-laid back and easy going. I know this wasn’t easy to share but thank you so much for letting me and others know we’re not alone!

    1. Thank you!! πŸ™‚ I’m sorry you are in the same boat, what helped my hubby and I was me being super open about EVERYTHING. Even when it’s hard and I’d like to just keep it to myself. Relationships run on communication. Keep working hard and it will come. You are enough!! πŸ™‚

  8. Sometimes it can be so difficult to remember that we are enough, especially in moments like the ones you wrote about. You are such a role model to so many moms to be able to ask for the help you got

    1. Thanks so much Chelsae! Love the way you spell your name. πŸ™‚ I sure hope I can help someone by being open and honest about my struggles. You are enough!! πŸ™‚

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