I know what you are thinking! this girl is crazy! Thanksgiving is an amazing holiday where one gets to gather with loved ones, eat, and be thankful for things. It’s all true.
This might be a trigger for depression or suicide. Please continue with that in mind. At the bottom I have links to get help if you fell like you need it. Also, please reach out to me if you need to talk or need someone to listen.
I do love Thanksgiving.
But a few years ago when I wasn’t in a very good place this particular Thanksgiving was awful! AWFUL with a capital everything.
If you have been around long enough then you know that I have depression and anxiety. After my third baby was born, in 2015, I went downhill fast. Being able to recognized that something was not right was a huge blessing.
I talked to Eddy and told him that I needed help. Then I called my OBGYN to get some recommendations of therapists. You guys, it’s not easy to do those three things! I go more into detail about that here.
During this awful Thanksgiving I just been going to my therapist for a few months. I was going weekly and working on a ton of things. I was starting to get better but my triggers were harder to stop at this point.
This year we were spending Thanksgiving with my family and I had volunteered to make the rolls. I was excited. There is an amazing roll recipe that I had gotten from my sister in law.
These rolls worked out every time. They were pretty easy. And boy were they good! I had planned to make 4-5 dozen. We can’t be getting low of rolls on Thanksgiving.
I had woken up in a somewhat bad mood. Unfortunately that’s not uncommon for me… 🙁 Then things just spiraled down hill from there. I messed up the rolls, in a bad way. They were not raising. There was a ton of dough and the rolls were not rising.
This made me so angry because I had messed up with such a large amount of ingredients. I didn’t want to waste the food. I hate wasting food (anxiety kicking in…).
There were tears. I was getting mad. I was depressed. Eddy tried his hardest to calm me down. Trying to tell me that the rolls will be fine. When I assured him they were not fine he suggested we buy some on our way to Thanksgiving dinner.
BUY rolls for Thanksgiving?!?! Are you kidding me? You can’t buy rolls for Thanksgiving. Who does that? I was not able to think rationally. Because let’s get real here, it really doesn’t matter if one buys rolls for Thanksgiving dinner.
The problem was in my head I had this magical plan. I was going to make the best darn rolls for Thanksgiving I could possibly ever make. Everyone was going to love them. They would praise my roll making ability. All would be fine in the world.
So when my perfectly planned out plan did not happen, like not even one little bit, I was crushed. I have this habit of picturing what is going to happen and when that doesn’t happen… I’m hurt and can get depressed. Don’t worry, I’m working on it. 🙂
By the time we had left for Thanksgiving dinner, which was actually Thanksgiving lunch, I had thought of 5 ways I could end it all. In a matter of hours 5 ways of committing suicide had popped into my head.
Before I go on, I need to talk about the suicide thoughts that I have had. I have never actively thought out ways of killing myself. They are thoughts that pop into my mind.
I like to think of it as Satan trying to weasel his way into my mind and life. I have also never acted upon these stupid thoughts. And I’m proud to say that it has been a LONG time since I’ve had one of those scary thoughts come popping into my mind.
But, that awful Thanksgiving morning it happened 5 times! I can honestly say I can only remember 1 of those thoughts. Which I like. I hate when those thoughts come into my mind.
It scares me. What if I’m not strong enough to stop the thoughts. What if I think a little more about it and… I just can’t think of things like that. I can’t let my mind go there. It can be a scary place.
I hope you are able to stop those scary thoughts when they are present in your mind. I hope with all my might that you are strong enough, know your worth, know that there are people who love you and want to help you.
Eddy came into our room when I was having a breakdown. It’s hard for him to understand what it’s like in my mind. He is such an easy going, roll it off your back kind of person. He can’t get the let down I let myself have.
As we were talking and I finally blurted out, “5! 5 ways! That’s how many ways I have thought of killing myself today.” He got it then. He wrapped me in his arms and held me.
He finally understood that I was not okay. It wasn’t even really about the rolls. They were a trigger to something much deeper and darker.
As I sit here typing and trying to remember as many details about that day I am ashamed. I am ashamed of me. But, more importantly I am proud of my hard work.
I am proud that I didn’t give up then. And I’m not giving up now. I may spiral into a deep dark hole again. It will not be pretty. But I will climb and claw my way out of that dang hole because I know that I AM ENOUGH!!!!
I am enough!
- for my children
- for Eddy
- my family and friends
- ME! I am enough for me!
And THAT is what we all need to remember. We are enough! We may be a mess or feel like a blob. And that is okay. We are enough.
You may feel like your whole world sucks. But, you are enough.
It may seem like you will never get out of your depression. But, you are enough.
You may want to give up. Don’t! Because, YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I want you to look in the mirror right now. Now, say this out loud 10 times, or until you start to believe it. “I am enough!” Yell it if you need to.
You are enough as you are right here, right now. I know it, you need to believe it.
I know that there are going to be those awful Thanksgivings. But please remember that it will pass. It will be years in your past and you can look on that moment and say, “That sure sucked. I hated that. But, I’m here, doing better. And that is what counts.”
Please know that there are many resources you can reach out to get help. If that feels a little too scary then please find someone you trust to get to help. Here are some places that will help you:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- Rise Together
- Patient Rising
- You can call 911
- Google search: Suicide hotline
With the holidays coming it can be a hard time for those with mental illness. There can be a rise in stress. I will be working on a piece to help get you through the holidays. Look for that in the coming weeks.
In the meantime remember if it stresses you out too much, say no! I have 10 tips to help with your depression triggers. And I hope you have a very lovely Thanksgiving with no roll tabackles. 😉