My journey through mommyhood, depression, and living day by day.

4 Reasons I’m Not Ready to Have Baby Number 4

4 Reasons I’m Not Ready to Have Baby Number 4

As I am nearing the end of my most likely last pregnancy I have been thinking, a lot, about pregnancy. I have also been telling this baby to GET OUT OF ME. But, then I really think about what that means and I tell my baby to take their time. I mean, kind of take your time. Shoot! I don’t know what I want! Haha! I’d really like this baby’s birthday (in case you don’t know,  we decided not to find out the gender until the birth, yay!) to be as far away from Christmas as possible but as we get closer I think I’m not ready. I am not ready in so many ways but in the next breath I think I can’t wait to meet this little babe I’ve been growing inside of me for 9 months. So here are 4 reasons I’m not ready to meet this cute baby of mine. Because let’s be honest this will be one of the fourth cutest babies on the planet (the other three are my other littles 🙂 of course. )

Mental

Am I ready mentally?? Am I going to be able to keep up the good progress I’ve made in the last year and a half with my the help of my therapist, my Hubby, my family, and friends? Some of the help has gone undetected by some but it has been just as important to me. Am I going to spiral back down into the darkness? Are there going to be days that I just don’t want to get out of bed, for anything? Will I have enough love to give to my baby as I have my other babies (I know this is crazy because I’ve thought this every time and every time there seems to be this explosion of love the second that baby is placed in my arms.)? Can I be the source of strength that I need to be in my family?

I then need to take a breath, a HUGE breath, and remind myself of these things… Maybe, I am maybe ready for this mentally but this baby is coming and there isn’t anything I can do about it, so I just need to be prepared for anything. I may not be able to keep up the progress that I have made. But the amazing thing is that I have so many more tools this time around that with any fall backs I will be able to get back on the horse and keep on riding. For sure, there are going to be days where I don’t want to get out of bed or when the world is dark. Honestly, I’m scared for those days, but again I have to remind myself I have a plan in place. I’ve been more open with others and I am trying to be able to accept more help when I need it. The amazing thing about families, and especially my family, is that strength comes from everyone. I don’t need to be the single beacon of strength. Why would I think that that is my sole responsibility? It’s not like anyone has ever said to me that I am the only one to show strength. It is my own thoughts and feelings, and it is just not correct. Hubby is strong in so many ways and by thinking that I can’t rely on him more when I am lacking my own strength is just crazy thinking. Crazy I tell you! I have this need to control things in my life. I have been working on letting go of that control. It is SO HARD! This may be a work in progress for life. As is feeling like I need to be strong for everyone. I need to accept that at times I will be weak and others will be able to be strong for me.

Being in Charge of Another Human

Oh the joys of holding a newborn baby in your arms! I love it! I love the smell, the closeness, the bonding. I have been blessed to be able to nurse all of my babies so far and plan to do the same for baby number 4. But, oh my heavens! Getting through the first weeks can be so painful and awkward, I’d rather give birth again then hold that baby and let it latch onto me!! Then there is the spitting up. Seriously? Making milk, nursing, and pumping is time consuming so why the heck are you spitting up what seems like everything that went down, every time?! Our girls were great spitter upers until around 6-7 months. It was a race; could I get the burp rag ready and in position before all of the milk came hurling out of their darling faces. I got good at it but missed so many times… Then there is diaper changes, bathing, getting them in the car seat the correct way, is their sibling going to maul them? Are they sleeping? Are they breathing? I can’t sleep because I need to check on them one more time to make sure they are breathing? Did they turn over onto their face and now they are not going to be able to breath anymore? That’s just the first bit of life. I have a life time of worrying about the well being of my baby, not to mention the other three I already have. I’m tired already!

Getting Things Done

I made a goal of getting this blog up and running months ago. I wanted to have a routine in place for writing, posting on social media, and introducing a work aspect into my life again. I got behind, got discouraged and just stopped doing anything for awhile. I made another goal, which again didn’t happen. But, then I sat down, told myself I can do this and it doesn’t matter what others think and it doesn’t have to be perfect. I decided to work on parts of it and not try to tackle everything at once. I have written down mini goals and work on them a little at a time. This has really helped me to get some things accomplished.

I also had a very long list of things I wanted done around the house and in the yard. Hubby and I (again, mostly Hubby can get the credit here…) have worked HARD to get the yard pretty much done. It looks great, we spent more money then planned but next spring and summer we will have so much less to do. I have done a few things around the house but realized that I need to give myself some slack. I don’t need every crook and cranny of my house organized to a T, there will be plenty of time to tackle all the projects I would like to do later.

After this baby comes I know pretty much everything I would like to do and get done will be put on hold. The most important thing will be to bond with my baby, try to get sleep, and take care of my other cuties. There will be time for crossing things off my list later.

Giving Birth

So, I consider myself to be weird in the fact that I love giving birth. You heard me right, I LOVE giving birth. It is amazing! I have been blessed with three good births so far, hoping my luck holds for one more. 🙂 I have had no major complications and once things get going my babies come fast. I choose to go unmediated and I love the way my body seems to take control and do what it was made for. With that being said, childbirth is PAINFUL! So painful. After giving birth for the first time I had a sense of what was to come, I would start to panic and second guess my choice to not get an epidural. Can I really endure the pain of pushing a human out of me? Am I really ready for this? It was always too late and I am glad that I stayed true to what our “plan” was for childbirth. But as the time gets closer for my baby to be born I start to freak out that I can’t do it. What has helped is knowing I have done it. I can do it again, and I just need to breath deeply. The pain will be temporary and at the end I get a baby. 🙂

Even with all my doubts, negative thoughts, and unanswered questions about what will happen during delivery, when it will be, how I will hold up after this baby comes, I truly and utterly CANNOT wait to meet this little peanut. I know that this baby is a blessing sent to me and I long to hold that blessing in my arms and snuggle all day. Well, at least until one of my other blessings need something.

Xoxo
Stephanie
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