The Big Why
I have wanted to start a blog for a long time but never had the nerves to just do it. There have been many blogs that I have read the “how to’s” on starting a blog. It was helpful but I never felt it was time or had the strength to actually do it. Then I came across another blog and they have been the best of help, support, and strength I needed to get started.
Now that I have picked my domain and gotten started on my logo and design of my blog I’ve struggled on my first post. I’ve been thinking for weeks about what I wanted my first post to be and finally came up with the idea of when I realized I had depression. So I’ve been doing more thinking to help me to know what I should write and to remember more details. Nothing. Nothing came to my mind, just a big blank head.
Then today as I was showering (seriously some of my best ideas come to me while I’m showering, anyone else??) it came to me. Duh! Why hadn’t I thought about it before?! Why don’t I tell you why I have wanted to start a blog in the first place? So here it goes… I love list so I’m going to make a list! And my heart just skipped a beat. 🙂
Outlet for Myself
- The main reason I wanted to start a blog is to have an outlet for myself. I taught first grade for 9 years. That is a big chunk of my life up to now. When I got pregnant with my first baby and told my principal he responded by saying, “I guess you want to go part-time next year?” He said it in a very supporting way that helped me to make the decision to go part time. That was a great decision. I job shared for 3 years, had another baby, and was pregnant with my third when we decided for me to stay home. (Job sharing is when two teachers are teaching the same classroom. We switched teaching days or one taught morning and the other taught afternoon.) Going from teaching, which is a very time intensive job, to staying at home full time I felt lost at times. I felt I had lost a part of me. I went from saying I was a teacher to saying just a stay at home mom. Now, I know that I am not just a stay at home mom; I get to be home with my little kids every day. What a lucky and blessed thing that is. But, I felt like I needed a place where I could step aside from being a stay at home mom (SAHM) and still be me, Stephanie, with so much to give. So, I realize that “you” may be thinking you can still be you as a mom. And I am, but that’s just a part of me. It happens to be the most fulfilling, demanding, amazing, tiring, never give back in a million years part of me. I felt like I was being lost and throwing all of myself into be a mom. So it has become necessary for me to push myself to still be the same Stephanie I was before my little crew blessed my life.
- The reason I was able to become a SAHM was because my husband was almost done with school (for the last time! Can I get a WOOHOO?) and we both felt it was time for me to be home. He still had one year left of school but we had a savings and living loans. So with a leap of faith we knew it was going to be okay. Between the two of us, my Hubby and I have 7 degrees. We are blessed to have been able to get so much schooling. It has been years since we finished paying off my loans but my Hubby, that’s a different story. We have a lot of student loans (more on that later) and with my anxiety it can be super stressful to have to spend money. I have wanted to do something to help bring in money without leaving my precious babies. They are going to be young once and I wanted to be the one to be with them all day, even if some of those days are LONG! I’m talking 13 hours while the Hubby is at work long days. Blogging was an idea that sounded like a good fit for me; a way to stay at home and still try to make some money to help with student loans.
- I have depression, anxiety, ADD, and am learning more and more about me all the time. After each baby my depression and anxiety have gotten worse. When my third baby was about 7 months I finally got the courage to find a therapist. Oh my, it was scary and totally out of my comfort level. It has been life changing! She has helped me in more ways than I can say. It hasn’t been easy, the road isn’t always clear with the sun shining and bright rainbows, but I’m on the uphill battle and getting better. I felt ashamed about my mental health issues. I felt like I should be able to control my emotions and not have such horrible thoughts and feelings. I am learning to love myself through all my faults. I’m learning to not be embarrassed about the way God made me. Most importantly I’m not letting my mental illnesses win. I am winning; step by step, day by day. I may take a tiny shuffle forward and 10 giant steps back but I need to focus on my forward shuffles. I need to focus on the positive things and keep moving forward from there. My hope is that by sharing my experiences and stories I can help shine a light on mental illness and let others know it can be okay. Because, you guys, it CAN be okay. You can have horrible days or moments and still see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mental illness is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Everyone needs to learn that on their own and I hope I can help in some way through blogging about the craziness that goes on inside my head, my heart, and my home.
I truly hope you stick around with me as I continue to learn more about myself, my mental illnesses, and as I am learning to be a more patient mom, wife, friend, sister, and driver. Ha! 😉 I promise you there will be a lot of fun to follow: tears to cry, laughs to laugh, and growth to be had. This is going to be a life long journey and I am happy that I am on this journey to bettering myself.